Grimly Written Stories and Other UnSane FairyTales
by Haruko Kurimasu
Summary: Remember those classic fairytales from childhood? Now, they've come back to haunt you as the ninja cast play as the vict... I mean, characters from your UNfavorite bedtime stories. A parody that even Sasuke would smile from reading! Now updated!
1. Cinderella, Part I

Basically, these are classic fairytales mixed with Naruto characters with drastic results. They're not supposed to follow the order of the fairytales, so expect the unexpected! First off, "Cinderella"! (P.S. You can request any fairytale! I'm planning to make a Hansel and Gretal one next!!) Oh, and sometimes if they're too long, they'll having a 2nd and possibly 3rd part.

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**CINDERELLA PART I- STARRING THE EMO PRINCE AND A VERY BORED SHOGI MASTER.**

Once upon some kind of time period unknown to even the narrator, there was the Emo Prince. The Emo Prince, also known as Sasuke, lived in a castle far too expensive to pay with Capital One. Not even MasterCard could cover the electric bill. The Emo Prince, tired of seeing his own royal blood being donated to the children's hospital, decided to hold some kind of "royal ball" in the dark and dainty crevices of his fancy domain.

Of course he was unmotivated, but his father was desperate to get rid of him, so he held this ball to find a wife for his very, very pale son.

"Shikamaru!" The Emo Prince called out to The Shogi Master. Shikamaru yawned, and came out his bedroom: the Emo Prince's bathroom. Shikamaru, being the Shogi Master of the land, played Go and other forms of stragetic and boring entertainment on the Prince's very scene toilet seat. Heck, remember the MasterCard bills? You'll get it soon enough.

"How bothersome," mumbled Shikamaru sleepily, wiping some tears from his eyes. Sasuke gave him a glare, and folded his lifeless arms across his chest. "What now, Emo Prin- Sasuke?"

"Shikamaru, my father is forcing me to go through this ball thing, so I'm ordering you to use your own TD Canada bank account to buy me a medium pepperoni pizza, and an Iced Cap Supreme from Tim Hortons."

The Shogi Master rolled his eyes so slowly and lazily that even the second hand on the clock went faster. "Yeah. See you later, Prince."

Meanwhile, in a cheap and creaky duplex bought with three chickens and a sashimi roll, lived Hinata (who's apparantly Cinderella in this version) and her stepfamily. Her stepfamily consisted of Barbie Girl Ino, The Pink Princess Sakura and The Drunken Mistress, Tsunade. The Drunken Mistress, having over 30oz. of sake already in the past ten seconds, was fairly tipsy, and was open for persuasion.

Barbie Girl and The Pink Princess did just that.

"Oh, Tsunade, " begged The Pink Princess earnestly. "Can we go to The Emo Prince's ball tonight?"

"No!" slurred Tsunade, holding a badly bent badminton racket. "You girls- I mean, I love panckakes, and if there's no pancakes, then I don't-"

The Pink Princess stomped her foot, and tutted off in a prude fashion. Barbie Girl Ino smiled for some odd reason, and said, "Well, we're still going!"

"Stupid kids." muttered Tsunade.

Meanwhile, Hinarella (I guess that would be her name) heard the entire conversation- that is, if you could call it a conversation. She sighed, for she wanted to go to the ball, but not to meet the Emo Prince. She'd rather go with Naruto, the servant boy next door, who sometimes stole their eggs and chickens from their backyard.

"Hinarella!" slurred Tsunade, tumbling out through the door. "I...am..so..." The Drunken Mistress then tripped on her own sake bottles, and collapsed to the floor. I mean, she went through the floor, since the sake had spilled all over those weak floorboards and had made it soft enough to beat through with a twig. Man, that's dangerous!

"...I...think I...need to see...my therapist..." Tsunade moaned. Hinarella stared at the wrecked floorboards, then slowly inched away. The Drunken Mistress would be fine.

At least, we would like to hope so.

Back at the castle, a knock came at the door. The royal butler, Sai, answered it. He gave that lucid grin to the visitor, Kakuzu. Kakuzu came from Gringott's Bank to collect the Emo Prince's enormous debt. Or, should we proclaim, _emo-mous_ debt.

"Okay, the Emo Prince owes me over three hundred thousand dollars!" Kakuzu announced. "And if anyone cares, they'll come here right now before I repossess that lamp shade over there."

He pointed at a tatty lamp shade, carelessly thrown on the floor. Then, he pointed accusingly at Sai. "What are you smiling at, sonny?"

But Sai continued to smile. Eventually, Kakuzu shrugged, and waited until the ball started. Man, he must've stood for a long time!

That night, The Pink Princess and Barbie Girl had phoned a taxi to pick them up for the royal ball. The taxi driver, Jack Sparrow- I mean, _Captain_ Jack Sparrow, held up his pistol, looking nervous. A large jar of dirt rested in the back seat.

"Don't touch my dirt!" said the captain. Sakura gave him a weird look before settling into the understuffed seats. She wore a puffy pink dress with puffy pink sleeves with a pink feather boa and greasy pink rain boots. Ino wore a T-shirt she had stolen from one of Green Day's concerts that said "GREEN DAY" on it. She also wore a stained Amy Lee styled frilly sort of long skirt that the singer might wear in her musci videos. 0o In her hair was a giant butterfly hairpin that weighed at least twenty pounds and was worth ten of the Emo Prince's castles. And one Shogi board.

While The Drunken Mistress was snoozing uncomfortably under the sake-soaked floorboards, Hinarella looked around anxiously, then tip-toed across the hall to the Drunken Mistress' Grande Master Suite. Loud banging was coming from the closet, and Hinarella tried to ignore it as she emptied the contents of Tsunade's sake bag to search for cash. Just then, the closet doors groaned as they gave away, and sagged to the floor. Out came Haku, sputtering and choking on cobwebs. Hinarella almost fainted, as she usually did.

Haku looked around, then ran across the Grande Master Suite, and jumped out the window. He fell into a row of thorny dry bushes below the window sill.

Don't worry, folks. He's okay.

"Get up, girl!" commanded an unfamiliar voice. Hinarella looked up. In front of her was a Fairy What's-Her-Name, aka Tenten. Tenten tapped her foot in the air, as she was floating an inch like a Fairy What's-Her-Name should. Her miniscule wings were beating faster than a dying hummingbird's heart, as Tenten's wings were so dang tiny that you could barely see them attached to the back of her white Chinese dress.

"Yo, I'm your Fairy What's-Her-Name!" bellowed Tenten, poking Hinarella in the head with her sparkly wand. "I've come to grant your wish! You want to go to the Emo Prince's ball, am I right?!"

"Umm, actually...no." Hinarella squeaked. "I want to marry the servant boy, Naruto, who steals our eggs and chickens. I want to live in D-Disney Land and meet Orlando Bloom."

"Hey, I'm a Fairy What's-Her-Name, not a miracle worker!" Tenten snapped. The Fairy What's-Her-Name waved her wand, and the sake bottles rolling around on the floor magically turned into four monster truck wheels.

"You're going to that dang ball in style!" Tenten shouted. "Otherwise, I'll get a pay cut if I don't help hopeless peasants like you!"

The Emo Prince twiddled his bloodless thumbs as he looked around impaitently. The Shogi Master, Shikamaru, was sitting in one of the chairs, playing Sudoku. He was so absorbed with this game that he failed to notice Kakuzu charging guests two hundred dollars for entry.

"Heh heh heh," snickered Kakuzu, fanning the green with such pride. "Soon, I'll convert this to Galleons and buy Knockturn Alley! It's the greatest plan ever!"

Nearby, Yondaime and Leader were discussing the latest episode of _Young and the Restless_. "Things are becoming quite interesting." said Leader, swishing his champagne around in its glass. Yondy nodded, and guzzled down the rest of his own drink.

"Yes, because Victor is gonna go Jet Li on Nikki's campaign manager..." he replied calmly. Just then, Yondy gave Leader a weird look.

"What, something on my holographic face?"

Yondy looked at his scuffed shoes uncomfortably. "Well, Leader, I was wondering about that paper bag on your head."

"What's wrong with it? I wrote 'Ser Lee-dar' on it properly. Does it make me look fat?"

"No, it's fine. Are you worried about the fans?"

Leader sighed deeply. "Well, until Kishimoto reveals that I'm NOT you and that I'm NOT Madara, then I'm stuck with this on my head."

Yondy shrugged. "They're never satisfied."

Over in the corner, Kishimoto and his younger brother, Seishi, had started a DDR competition. Everyone crowded around to see older and younger siblings battle across a series of glowing and repetitive while dancing to _Love Love Shine_.

Just then, a loud rumble exploded from outside. Kakuzu looked out the window in disgust. A huge moss green monster truck was parked outside, with a shadowy shadow of the driver in the mud-streaked window. The door opened ridicuously dramatic, and out popped Chouji, Road Master. The Road Master unzipped his very cool leather jacket, and produced a license to the bewildered bouncer at the front of the overly-priced doors.

"Fo shizzle, you know what I'm saying?" Chouji said quickly, doing a perfect impression of J-ROC. "I'm an escort for some oh-so-old-school shy shojo anime girl, ya dig?"

TO BE CONTINUED...

PART II COMING SOON!


	2. Cinderella, Part II

**CINDERELLA PART II: FLIGHT OF THE EMO PRINCE- AND OTHER SERIOUS CONSEQUENCES.**

Sai stared at the Road Master. Being the official bouncer/butler/waiter/manservant/novelist/punching bag of the Emo Prince, Sai wasn't sure what to do. So he continued to smile.

"Ahem, like I was saying," said Chouji nervously, his tone back to normal, "I'm an escort for one shojo anime girl. And I think that's about it."

Kakuzu looked around anxiously, making sure that nobody noticed him even sweating. _Snap, I thought I turned that Chouji, Road Master, into a bag of potato chips!_ Kakuzu thought to himself. _Well, this _is_ a lame fanfic. Must've been some kind o-_

CRACK!!!

A large tree trunk suddenly fell on our money-making schemer. It squashed him flat, making it humorous and tragic at the same time. The people around him gasped- gasped in amazement, that is! The onimous tree trunk flew across the huge room, nearly missing Sir Leader and Yondy. Kakuzu stood up, and shook his fist in anger.

"Okay, who in the h-"

KABOOM!

A lightning bolt came out of nowhere and struck him head on! In a comedic fashion, Kakuzu was shocked, zapped and fizzled. Kakuzu looked around once more, and bolted out of the Emo Prince's castle. After that, nobody else had nothing to say badly of this fanfic.

Meanwhile, Sasuke tried to sneak back to his room, but he was dragged back by the Shogi Master Shikamaru. "This is getting bothersome, so can you PLEASE choose one of these hopeless cases to be your wife?"

"I don't want to." muttered Sasuke, in an emo/avenger type of tone.

Shikamaru glanced at him in bored amusement. "And why not, your Royal Emoness?"

Suddenly, Sasuke bursted out: "DON'T YOU READ THOSE HORRIBLE FANFICS ON ABOUT ME?!?!?! I MUST AVENGE MY PRIDE! LIKE COME ON, THEY INPERSONATE ME SO BADLY!! THIS IS AN INSUL-"

SLAP!

"Uh, you gotta shut up once in a while, Emo Prince." yawned the Shogi Master.

Finally, Hinarella had the nerve to get out of the Road Master's four-wheel madman machine to go inside for the ball. She stepped in just as the Emo Prince rushed past her and out the door- but not in the same way as the money maniac Kakuzu did. Hinarella blinked. Suddenly, she was forcefully pushed aside as The Pink Princess Sakura and Barbie Girl Ino chased the infamous Sasuke out. Sasuke panicked, jumped into the driver's seat of Chouji's monster truck, and slammed the door just as Sakura was about to grab his pants.

SMASH!

Sakura screamed and cried just like the pathetic girl she is. Her fingers were as flat as pancakes- cold, heartless pancakes. Ino soared to the top of the truck, and punched through the windshield! Sasuke cranked the gear shift into 'DRIVE', and swerved clumsily over the lawn.

"SASUKE I LOVE YOU!!"

"GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU PYCHO FANGIRLS!!!"

"SSSSAAAASSSUUUKKKEEE!!"

Sasuke zigged and zagged across the countryside, eventually running over the Drunken Mistress's Dodge Caravan. Tsunade suddenly woke up, and got SUPER angry when she saw her only car destroyed. She punched the floorboards of her duplex, and and the house blew up to smithereens. That fatal explosion woke up Haku, who was briefly seen in Part I of this fanfic.

"COME ON HAKU!!" Tsunade shouted, still wobbly on her legs. Haku nodded, and followed the Drunken Mistress down the road, chasing the green monster truck in its wake.

But first making a quick stop in Vegas.

Back at the castle, Fugaku, Sasuke's daddio, was deeply disgruntled. (What does that word mean anyway?) "Now whose gonna take the responsibilty of all of these debts?" he asked himself out loud. He looked around, expecting a miracle.

"I don't do miracles, mister!"

Sasuke's dad looked up. It was the Fairy What's-Her-Name, Tenten. She was tapping her foot madly in midair as usual. "Just choose someone, dangnabbit! What's ya problem, punk?!"

Tenten pointed at Hinarella, who had fainted once again. "This fanfic was supposed to be about her, but _NO_! It was complete randomness! This fanfic and its creator suc-"

KABOOM!! CRASH!! BOOM!!! TIMES A MILLION!!!!

Sasuke's father stepped back as the Fairy What's-Her-Name was struck by lightning, Sephiroth's Meteor attack, Phoenix Wright's "OBJECTION!", your mom's frying pan, and every single attack created from _Lord of the Rings. _Tenten lay fried and fizzled from everything that had insanely hit her there. Fugaku backed away, very slowly.

In the end, Sai, the infamous bouncer/butler/waiter/manservant/novelist/punching bag was randomly chosen as the new prince, who oddly married Mrs. Nara, the Shogi Master's mom. What was his reasons for choosing her? Do we really care?

Nope.

"Hey, what the heck?!" hissed Karin, during off the monitor of her computer. "What kind of ending is that to a fanfic?! I didn't wait six freakin' months for this junk!!!"

"Karin!" shouted Suigetsu excitedly, swinging Zabuza's sword around recklessly. Unfortunately, he nearly missed Karin. Heh.

Karin stood up, and punched Suigetsu, which didn't miss. "WHAT DO YOU FREAKIN' WANT, SUIGETSU?!?!"

Suigetsu gave her a sheepish, lazy grin. "We got the a-okay from the head honcho. We're in!"

Karin suddenly went all fangirlish, taking off her glasses and looking s e r i o u s l y s c a r y .

"Sasuke's the boss? Ooooh, I can't wait!"

Suigetsu gave Karin a weird look. "Uh, no. It's Haruko Kurimasu, duh."

NEXT TIME!

Karin and Suigetsu star in their very own twisted fairytale! What will they do when they meet the infamous Kakuzu, battle the Road Master at DDR, and reunite with the unfortunate ex-Emo Prince?

Tune in for Hansel and Gretal!


	3. Hansel and Gretal, Part I

Sorry for the long wait! Now I present to thee, Hansel and Gretal! Starring Suigetsu and Karin!

**HANSEL AND GRETAL: OTHERWISE KNOWN AS HANDSOME AND GRITTY**

"Once upon a time, there was a handsome guy from the mysterious land of watery-ness-"

"Shut up! You're freakin' annoying, Suigetsu!"

"That's freakin' annoying Handsome to you."

"WWWWWHHHHHAT?!"

On a dusty, dirty road somewhere in the backwater country of Grimly Tales, two mismatched characters travelled where the unexpected happened quite often. Handsome Hansel Suigetsu and Gritty Gretal - "WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY GRITTY?!"- Karin have been traversing this cruel, strange and oddly parody-like world created by the even stranger and annomynous user by the name of Haruko Kurimasu. What was on the mind of this Hinata fan when s-

"BACK TO THE FREAKIN' STORY!"

Sigh.

"So, where are we going anyway?" Handsome Suigetsu asked, consulting a crumpled map drawn by an overexcited Lee Pan. ("Our springtime of youth is everlasting in the joyous fountains of youthful imaginations!" he had exclaimed while scribbling directions for the angered Gritty. Suigetsu at that time was eyeing Captain Kakashi Hook's sword with interest.) "Well, we have to find civilization first!" growled Karin, gritting her teeth. Our pink-haired friend has been on edge all day, having to listen to Suigetsu talk about all the wonderful variations of customized swords available in Final Fantasy X. And that was JUST FFX, and that conversation had lasted at least six HOURS.

"Well, according to Lee Pan's, err, map," began Suigetsu, "There's a Gingerbread House just up the road on the edge of Creaky Wood. Speaking of edge, did you know in the town of Edge in Advent Children, there's a monu-"

"Hey look a monster truck!" interrupted Gritty Karin, pointing just north of the duo's line of sight. This line was just a ruse to throw our pointy toothed friend off topic of the Square Enix film, but there was INDEED a monster truck. And not just any monster truck...

"CURSE YOU KISHIMOTO!" Sasuke shouted. The huge moss green monster truck ripped up and down the terrain, with a pair of pychotic fangirls -the Pink Princess Sakura and Barbie Girl Ino- on top of the roof. Sakura had managed to tear her hand out of the door of the truck, and that ended up with her having no left hand at all! Tragic, but who gives a machina's magic? It's Sakura, folks.

"SASUKE, MARRY ME!"

"I'M NOT THE PRINCE ANYMORE, DARNIT!"

"MUFFINS!"

The Emo Prince from the previous story have been driving non-stop for three days and nights, twisting up and down the roads of Unhappy Endings Kingdom (the country where his Royal Emoness had once "ruled" over), through the Boggle Oggle Swamp, up to the county line of the Vegas So Far Far Away City (VSFFAC), and crash-landed on a mysterious pirate ship out on Port-_e_ Love. ("YOUTH!" shouted the green-colored fanatic Lee.)

Sasuke swerved, and Ino finally fell off, flying through the air at 1.2 million km a second, and crashed right on top of a frustrated Naruto, who was cheated with a packet of seeds from a mysterious button-seller by the name of Shino. But that's another story.

The uber-cool monster truck almost ran over Handsome and Gritty in it's pursuit of self-denial, pain, torture, and muffins. "Whoa!" shouted Suigetsu.

Karin pulled her glasses off the brim of her nose. "W a s t h a t t he E m o P r i n c e ?" she asked herself gushily. Suigetsu gave her the weird eye.

"Uh, you can stalk him later. I wanna eat Gingerbread!"

Upon hearing that particular sentence, the Gingerbread Man, who was inconviently hiding in Suigetsu's back pocket, squeaked in fright, and ran up the road. Suigetsu caught sight of him, and chased him. Karin snapped our of her scary Glasses Off Mode, and followed suit.

"And are you really the Repo Man?" Anko asked suspiciously. Kakuzu shifted his eyes in a shifty-eyed fashion, and nodded.

"Of course I am! Why would I lie about THAT?"

"Well, you look pretty funky to begin with..."

Anko was the so-called Witch of the Gingerbread House, which was updated to the Dango House since the last Witch possessed it. Such so you know, the last Witch was the Drunken Mistress, Tsunade. Our Mintress of fame was now with Haku in VSFFAC, hoping to win Black Jack, against, well, Jack Sparrow and Jack Skellington. The two Jacks had tag-teamed for fun, and were seriously good at the Disney Slot Machines. Heh.

"Any hoo," said Kakuzu nervously, "Gringott's sent me to repossess your, err, Dango House. Your rent has been overdue for three months now."

"Well, nobody visits any- Wait a second, there's no rent on this!!" Anko shouted. "This is free property!!"

Kakuzu snickered. "What is this, Parker Brother's Monopoly?"

"This is Grimly Tales, for Jashin's sake!" Anko continued, her unusual rage gaining momentium-ish. "Nobody cares about this place!" Suddenly, Anko got an evil idea.

"The next bunch of kids that come along," began Anko evilly, grinning, "Is gonna get free candy!"

"You wouldn't _dare_." growled Kakuzu, giving the Dango Witch squinty eyes.

"Oh, but I _will_." Anko said back, giving him equal squinty eyes.

Just then, a shrill squeak(?) came from just around the bend. A little Gingerbread Man, -no, THE Gingerbread Man- wobbled up the road, being chased by _a bunch of kids_.

"$h!#." muttered Kakuzu before high-tailing out of there. Anko grinned, flashing shiny grilles on her teeth.

The Gingerbread Man, preoccupied by Handsome Suigetsu's outstretched hand, fell into a rabbit hole on the road, and was never seen again.

"Hey, where did Gingy go?" Suigetsu asked, and sniffed. "Now I'll never learn how to fly. I feel so depressed, just like Cloud when Aer-"

"HEY LOOK A GINGERBREAD HOUSE!" shouted Karin, pointing at the Dango House. Miraculously lifted from his FF depression, Suigetsu smiled, sped up, and almost crashed into a tree. Karin groaned, and walked up smartly to Anko, who was overjoyed by her thwarting of Kakuzu's premature plans.

"Hey kids! You like candy-flavored dangos?" Anko asked. Karin and Suigetsu slowly nodded. The Dango Witch grinned.

"That's great, 'cause I have a lot of dangos..."

TO BE CONTINUED...


	4. Hansel and Gretal, Part II

**HANSEL AND GRETAL PART II: DDR AT THE DANGO HOUSE**

Anko prepared to make her infamous dangos in festive, holiday flavors. Tis the season to be spoofish, folks.

"So, what are you crazy kids doing out the back outskirts of Grimly Tales anyway?" the Dango Witch asked, dipping the dangos into brandy-flavored chocolate. Suigetsu scratched his head in embaressment.

"Well, I was on this super hard boss just past the Calm Lands. I was about to get Lulu her last spell-"

"He's a FF fanatic." Karin groaned, and Anko chuckled. Shudder. Chucklers are nerve-wrecking individuals. Yikes!

"If you think that's bad, you should see this creepy dude who used to teach me," said Anko. "I mean, all he thinks about is snakes and emos!"

OFF-GLASSES MODE! "Y o u m e a n l i k e t h e E m o P r i n c e ?"

Anko cocked an eyebrow. "You mean that was washed up singer, writing all my songs?"

"Huh?" said Handsome and Gritty in chorus.

Anko sighed. "All I wanted was a best friend, best of all best friends. Do you have a best friend too?"

_She's off her rocker!_ thought Karin.

Suddenly, a menacing figure exploded through one of the walls! It was so diabolic, so evil, so...low in saturated fats?

It was the Road Master, Chouji! But in Potato Chip Bag Form once again.

"Darn! That Kakuzu's done it again!" Chouji muttered. He shook his plastic bagginess, and looked up at the trio around the table, even though chip bags can't see anything. "I do believe I've been foiled on my quest!"

"Um, who are YOU?" Karin asked, wrinkling her nose. Hmph. Fangirls.

Chouji bowed. "I'm the Road Master. Well, I WOULD be the Road Master, if my monster Truck, CABBAGE MAN 66, hadn't been stolen by that ruffian Prince."

"T h e E m o P r i n c e ?"

"Yes, that fangirl-infested fool."

"OVERDRIVE!"

"Okaaaaaay..."

The Dango Witch ushered Chouji to the table. She shoved a plate of candy cane dangos towards him, which he refused. Road Masters only ate energy foods, like potato chips. Klondike bars work as well.

"I have to get CABBAGE MAN 66 back, or else the spell won't wear off," explained Chouji, crinkling with every movement. "That Kakuzu was very tricky. A Road Master is powerless without his faithful truck."

Suigetsu grinned.

Anko closed her eyes in deep thought. She glanced in Handsome and Gritty's direction. "So, what's ya savages's goal?" she demanded. Karin shrugged.

"That's the problem! Haruko Kurimasu never gave us a goal in the first place! So, my goal is t o m a r r y t h e E m o P r i n c e."

"I hate everything about your goal." Anko said bluntly back. Karin stiffened in her chair. "And what about you, Sonny Jim?"

Suigetsu grinned. "To meet Cloud Strife, and battle Kuja!"

Anko twiddled her thumbs in a twiddling fashion. "Hmm, I have only a bit of magic to grant one wish. We'll settle this the old fashion way!"

Anko diasppeared in a puff of magic smoke. She reappeared with a DDR mat, a copy of SuperNOVA, and a 2-inch television. It even had color!

"Ala Ka Poom. Zig Zag A Zoom! I'm a Barbie Girl, In a Barbie World!"

Barbie Girl Ino popped out of nowhere.

"Oops! Send that blondie back! Mwahahaha!"

Barbie Girl Ino popped out again. Hmm. Weird.

The Dango Witch looked at her DDR subjects. "Gotta send the experts! Kishi-In, Kishi-Out! I summon thee!"

Ka-Krackle! Masashi and Seishi Kishimoto appeared at the table, with rough manuscripts of their latest chapters of _Naruto_ and _O-Parts Hunter_. They looked at each other, twinly confused. Anko cackled. Shiver.

Suigetsu closed his eyes to fantasize about Tifa Lockhart. When he opened them again, Karin, Seishi, Masashi, Chouji and himself were an inch tall, and were on top of the table where they were sitting around just a nanosecond earlier. Anko loomed over them, like a giant Heartless. She flashed her diamond grilles once more, and began the announcement of the chapter...

"Y'all gonna play DDR...TO THE DEATH!" she announced evilly.

"Umm, how about NOT to the death?" suggested Masashi K. nervously.

Now it was Anko's turn to be confused. "What? Whoever heard of something that's NOT to the death???"

"Well," began Seishi, "Me and Masashi are highly popular manga-ka. We can't afford all of this to-the-death jazz."

Anko scratched her ear in deep concentration. "Well, alright. But Potato Bag has to fight...to his last morsel!"

"NNNNNOOOOOO!"

Anko mwahahaha-ed, and began the game. The first song was on Basic, and it was Kelly Clarkson.

"Whose idea was to put Hilary Duff and Kelly Clarkson on a DDR game?!" Karin shouted, while dancing to the arrow patterns. Anko cackled while stuffing dangos into her mouth. "Dance, monkerys, dance!"

"Monkery?"

"Dance DANCE!"

And so the fivesome were to dance to the death, except or the Kishimoto twins, for they are important manga-ka that most of us love and adore. Chouji could only fight to the last morsel. That poor potato bag.

Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, and months turned back into days. And if it were physically possible to dance for that long without your internal nervous system breaking down into millions of biteable pieces, that's how long Handsome, Gritty, the Kishi twins, and our famous Road Master danced their boogie. Meh, dance talk.

Anko laughed at her little finger-sized minions, and sat back down by the fire. It was Christmas time. Actually, December 25th was tomorrow, so the Dango Witch decided to get into the jolly festivities.

"STOP DANCING, YA FOOGLIOS!"

Everyone sqreeched to a stop. Masashi and Seishi panted and were on the point of fainting. Anko snapped her fingers, and the twins were magically transported through the fabrication of time and space continuium, releasing their physical forms and spiritial souls into present day Japan. Masashi was so inspired, that he gave Sasuke a bajillion and kazillion power-ups, and created dark Tobi. Oh, and he brought back Hinata! One out of three isn't so bad...

Suigestu looked up at Anko, who loomed overhead. "I'll grant only two wishes!" she announced. Chouji was on the pointof sweating out all of his salty goodness. "But first, I grant you each a power-up!"

The Keyblade suddenly appeared in Suigetsu's hand. He grinned. Anko said, "Now it's your problem to eliminate the Heartless. You'll meet that Cloud Stripes or whatever, but not that Ku-Bye-Ya dude."

Karin shook an angry fist at the Dango Witch. "And what about me?!"

Anko sighed. Karin suddenly bursted into four mini marshmellows.

Chouji and Suigestu gaped at the four mini marshmellows. "Heck, I don't like her!" explained Anko, annoyed. Chouji popped back as a human, ready to roll.

"Thank you, Miss Dango Witch." he said politely. A map appeared in his hand, along with some pixie dust. "What's this for?"

Anko grinned, flashing those ridiculous grilles for the last time. In this segment, anyway.

"Oh, you'll be needing it," she replied. "The new sidekick of Lee Pan's been pretty cranky since she was degraded from her Fairy What's-Her-Name status..."

NEXT TIME!

Follow Gaara on his quest to Grandma's house in Creaky Wood, where he meets the wannabe Big Bad Wolf! Will his alliance with Juugo White prove fatal, or help him traverse this seemingly harmful Wood? And what becomes of Gritty? And Barbie Girl Ino? And will the Emo Prince ever find inner peace?

TUNE IN NEXT TIME!


	5. Little Red Riding Hood, Part I

**LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: WHEN SPIDERMAN MET PINEAPPLES**

Little Red Riding Hood, having recieving a map from the peppy Lee Pan at Port-_e_ Love, made his way to Creaky Wood. A strange pair of travellers had just passed by, one rambling on about Final Fantasy and one with thick specs on her nose. Gaara stared straight on ahead. Time to find Grandma Chiyo's house.

Grandma Chiyo was a mad old lady whose equally insane and unparadox (whatever that means) grandson Sasori made crazy puppets. Gaara shuddered. It reminded him of the time Kankurou forced him and Temari and Gaara's friend Naruto (whose whereabout are clearly unknown) to watch _Pinocchio_ with him, and it wasn't even the Disney version! Gaara was afraid of his own pillow ever since. And orange hair. TTu

Just then, a mysterious figure in the bushes with _orange hair _came marching forward. Gaara squeaked, and ducked behind a tree. Unfortunately for our new protagonist, it was one of those magical moving trees from _Shrek_, and it growled at him. Gaara ran at top speed straightforward, and crashed right into the figure he was meaning to avoid.

"DON'T EAT ME!" he screamed. The tangerine head punched Gaara in the head by reflex. "Sorry," he whispered while Gaara flew back. The trees ran away, because an even bigger problem was about to occur. It was gruesome, horrible, tantalizing, disfigured, ugly and- furry?

"Woof!" said a giant dog, leaping and bounding in mindless joy. Tangerine Head and Red Riding Hood stared at the dog, who was chasing a butterfly. It was the Road Master in his Butterfly Form, scouting ahead for CABBAGE MAN 66 and Sasuke.

"Sorry to scare YA," apologized Tangerine Head, lending Little Red Gaara a hand to help him get off the dirt floor of the Wood. "I have extreme PMS, on and off. Can't help it. And it doesn't help that this Wood makes characters in parody-like fanfics go triple the OOC. My name's Juugo of Tenpin, by the way. Also known as Snow White Juugo by a various fanbase."

Gaara nodded. "My name is Gaara. And what's with the Tenpin bit? You go bowling?"

Juugo glared at him. "_**No I don't! Do I look like a f#$ing bowler to ya?!?!**_"

Gaara jumped a little. "Didn't mean to get in your groove, man."

"_**Well, that's a little late! I'll shmorke ya, and your basket of Gingerbread!**_"

Juugo suddenly slapped himself, and shook his head. "Sorry, but that's what I mean by **P**arodyish **M**urble(?) **S**cenes. I don't mean it, seriously! I'm just looking for a house in here Creaky Wood, to find the Seven Sound Dwarves. Heard they'll give me a magic lampshade which will grant me three magical beans or something like that."

"Okaaaay. That's like three parodies in one!"

"Yeah, that's what Tenten the ex-Fairy-What's-Her-Name told me. She seemed pretty cranky."

"Kwahahahahaha!" giggled Grandma Chiyo, adding the twentieth mechanism to her Bumblebee Transformer action figure. Danzo had sent it to her for Christmas. Hrm, more than meets the eye. And on that cue, Yondy and Leader's advertising comercial was about to come on...

"Turn the volume up, Sasori boy!" Chiyo shouted over the the emptiness of the airwaves. 00 Sasori tried to ignore her by listening to his new iPod, but Chiyo noticed this, and threw a microwave at his head. "COME ON, BOY! Your old boss is on the tele!"

_I hate you, Leader-san, _Sasori thought angrily, but obeyed. Nobody knew the reason why Leader teamed up with Yondaime Hokage as a pair of amateaur entrepreneurs, or why they still didn't reveal their names. (Like, come on! We knew for at least ten chapters already! Sheesh!)

The product **Mysterio Bag **was a very expensive, but very popular brand of paper bags with eye holes in it. Leader was testing this new development at the Emo Prince's big bash, and the product created such a buzz that the two mysterious figures of Unhappy Endings Kingdom became super-mega rich, and lived in luxurious luxury. (Ooh La La!) They were currently sailing the seven seas on a pirate ship from Port-_e _Love. (Lee Pan was petitioning that the port city be renamed Port-_e_ Youth. So far, he was receiving no back-up support on the subject.)

Meanwhile, Juugo and Gaara decided to team up. How ironic, for they are both former pychopaths in the ninja world. They'll need all their strength and courage for this particular saga of this fanfic!

"I heard there's some guy who thinks he's a Wolf or something stupid like that," said Juugo. "I think he's species confused."

"Are ya gonna shmorke him, then?"

"That phrase is so twenty-nine sentences ago."

Gaara sighed in defeat. "Yeah, whatever. He can't be very good then."

Suddenly, and almost in an instant, a figure of intriguing mysteriousness jumped out from a dying, shrivelled bush! OMG! It was...It was...

"Congratulations! You're the winner of a fabulous prize!" said a megaphone-sounding voice. The voice vibrated through the My Chemical Romance-filled airwaves, mixed with some Billy Talent and Queen. Sweeeeeeeet.

"Hello, you two rascals! I'm the famed Yellow Flash, and in the blink of an eye, our Mysterio Bags are _flashing_ out of sight!" Well now, here's Yondy!

Gaara glared at him. "And you are...?"

Yondy walked up to Little Red Gaara and Juugo White. "Why, I'm Yondy! Me and my partner-in-product-marketing, Sir Leader, are handing out some freebies! We've been having so much success with Mysterio Bags, that we make Bill Gates look like a common joe! Umm, I think he's the richest guy, right?"

Juugo glanced at Gaara. "Bill who?"

Gaara shrugged. "Dunno. Just play along."

Yondy continued on with his business strategy. "You two kids look like you're in need of disguises, no? Well, that's where Mysterio Bags come in! Just write your name on the Bag's dotted line, and WHOOSH!- you're invisible to your worst enemies! It's better than an Invisibility Cloak anyday!"

Somewhere in the far off distance, Harry Potter sneezed.

Yondy grinned his ultimate, super grin. The one that makes fangirls melt into grape-flavoured jelly. Sometimes pineapple flavour as well. Yondy handed both Gaara and Juugo a Mysterio Bag. "This is our new line of Mysterio Bags, as an added bonus. We're thinking of calling it the Spiderman Bag. It has laser burst control, highly-defined heat radars, to detect body heat. And a bar of yellow soap!"

"A bar of soap?"

Just then, Leader leapt out a tree. "Geez, the 'Wolf' is coming. I told that guy a three thousand, six hundred and thirty-three times already that he's a-"

A snicker came from behind the quartet. Little Red and Juugo White pulled on their Spiderman Bags over their heads, and turned on their highly-defined heat radars, to detect body heat. They ready their bars of yellow soap, and flicked on their laser burst panels.

Yondy grinned the fangirl-melting-jelly grin of fame. "Now's the perfect time to try out those laser bursts!"

Juugo and Gaara aimed at the forest. A volley of red lasers were flung into the air, and burned tress into crispy cinders of crumbling ash. Later on, they found out that the ashes tasted like pineapple jelly...

TO BE CONTINUED...???


	6. Intermission: Profiles & Locations

Sorry for the wait! Finally new segments are being cooked up, here's a little profile section to keep up with all the hustle and bustle of Grimly Tales!!

**GRIMLY THOUGHT-OUT PROFILES AND A SMALL INTERMISSION, PART I**

**Cinderella Characters:**

**1. Sasuke, as The Emo Prince: **Our unfortunate hero of the Cinderella segment. Sasuke is the Prince of the Unhappy Endings Kingdom, where he owes a large debt to a mysterious person we might never meet. Having fled his kingdom by the way of grand theft auto (he stole the Road Master's CABBAGE MAN 66!), Sasuke tries to escape his annoying fangirls, the Pink Princess Sakura (who's not actually a princess, but if there was royalty for mass uselessness in mainstream anime, she'd be indeed a princess) and Barbie Girl Ino. His current position is unknown, yet the Road Master Chouji is tracking him with his Butterfly Effect. Hmm, poor guy.

**2. Shikamaru, as the Shogi Master:** Shikamaru rules as Shogi Master of the land, though who gave him the title, we have no idea. When not perfectly his un-imperfect skills, he's seen helpig the now ex-Prince with his troubles of debt, playing Sudoku (by way of newspaper of Nintendo DS. His is coral pink. ), or lounging in the exclusive bathroom owned by Sasuke. He still resides at the castle, even though his master is off avoiding his 'adoring fans'. Not helping there much, eh?

**3. Hinata, as Hinarella**: Hinarella once lived with her stepfamily, Sakura, Ino and Tsunade, in a small and creaky duplex, which has been prematurely demolished, thanks to good ol' Sasuke. She always had a crush on Naruto, and always wanted to go to Disneyland and meet Orlando Bloom.

**4. Sakura, as the Pink Princess:** The craziest and most annoying anime character ever to be created. Sakura likes to obsess about Sasuke, and would do anything, and I mean ANYTHING, just to get a mere glimpse of him. Her arch-rivals, Ino and Karin, are always feuding against each other about that hopeless Prince. Now, she was last seen (and with one left hand, at that,) chasing the Emo Prince along the country side.

**5. Ino, as Barbie Girl:** Another adoring fangirl of the Emo Prince. She was also seen chasing Sasuke, and wearing a Green Day concert-promoting T-shirt. Now, she has 'blasted off again', and landed right where Naruto is currently at the point of this fanfic. Where that is, we have no varifying data, but it's probably at the start of the 'Jack and the Beanstalk' segment. If that ever occurs.

**6. Tsunade, as the Drunken Mistress:** Meh, title explains all. Enraged at the Prince for running over her Dodge Caravan, has run off with Haku to Vegas So Far Far Away City (VSFFAC), and is losing against the tag-team of Jack and Jack.

**7. Naruto, as the servant boy next door (for now):** So basically, he doesn't even make a great cameo appearance, and is blushily mentioned by Hinarella. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Absolute-diddly-no-aroonie screentime. Just like the manga.

**8. Sai, as the official bouncer/butler/waiter/manservant/novelist/punching bag of the Emo Prince: **He's the jack-all-trades at the Castle, and expert at none. Sai, after the flight of the Emo Prince, becomes the new Prince. He has a creepy smile which we all love to hate, or all hate to love, and has married Mrs. Nara, the Shogi Master's bothersome mother.

**9. Kakuzu, as the money swindler: **Kakuzu claims to belong to the firm called Gringotts, and goes across the land to "repossess property" and "claiming debts". He'll swindle you just to get enough to buy his next plane ticket. Currently running away from Shin-Ra SOLDIERs, because he stole Sephiroth's Potion.

**10. Jack Sparrow, as the taxi driver: **This nervous infamous pirate was first seen driving a taxi with a jar of dirt in the backseat, driving the Pink Princess and Barbie Girl Ino to the Emo Prince's disasterious ball. Now, he rules at the Disney Slots with his partner-in-Disney-crime, Jack Skellington.

**11. Haku, as her- himself (Ahem): **She- I mean, he- was for some reason locked in the closet in Tsunade's Grand Master Suite. Now, he's in VSFFAC with the Drunken Mistress herself, trying to make some green.

**12. Tenten, as the Fairy What's-Her-Name: **With a bad temper and even worse social skills, Tenten was once a Fairy What's-Her-Name, trying in vain to show her stuff by helping our hopeless Hinarella with her love life. Now, after that fiasco, has been demoted to Annoying Pest of the Fairy Realm. And nobody likes an Annoying Pest, otherwise known as a Pixie. Especially being unlucky to be forced to help a certain Lee Pan with his Port-_e_ Youth campaign.

**13. Chouji, as The Road Master: **This jolly Road Master was once cursed by Kakuzu to be a bag of potato chips. He was brought back with his ultimate monster truck CABBAGE MAN 66, to escort Hinarella to the ball. Unfortunately, after CABBAGE MAN 66 was stolen by the Emo Prince, Chouji was transformed back into a potato chip bag, and could only to helped by the Dango Witch. Now, in his Butterfly Mode, searches for Sasuke to reclaim his pride and joy.

**14. Fugaku, as Sasuke's Daddio: **He's not the king, but he's the Emo Prince's dad. Fugaku is now left to deal with the debts of the Castle, and wonders how in the world his family got so chaotic. His eldest son, Itachi, is nowhere to be found at the moment.

**15. Mrs. Nara, as Shikamaru's mother: **The newlywed wife of Sai, the new Prince of Unhappy Endings Kingdom.

**Hansel and Gretal Characters:**

**16. Suigetsu, as Handsome: **Suigetsu's is the official Final Fantasy fanatic of Grimly Tales, and longs to meet Cloud Strife and battle Kuja. Suigetsu was travelling to the Dango House with Gritty -"WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY FREAKIN' GRITTY, HMM?!"- Karin for no apparant reason. He obtained the Keyblade, and is battling Heartless, at thanks to the not-so-to-the-death battle of DDR, incited by the Dango Witch herself.

**17. Karin, as Gritty: **She's scary enough with her specs on, but in Off Glasses Mode, her serious brain-dead love for Sasuke makes her a potential enemy. Now, she's nothing but four mini marshmellows. Will she be revived? Sakura fans hope not.

**18. Anko, as the Dango Witch: **The self-claimed Dango Witch of the Grimly Tales countryside. She makes all sorts of dangos to match the holidays. Now, what will she do next??

**19. Masashi Kishimoto, as himself: **The fabulous creator of Naruto. He was seen at the Emo Prince's ball, and last seen playing DDR at the Dango Witch's home. Now he's back at home, writing more manga for his loyal fans. Go Kishi!

**20. Seishi Kishimoto, as himself: **The ingenious creator of O-Parts Hunter. He too, was in the DDR battle against Masashi, Suigetsu, Chouji and Karin.

**21. The Gingerbread Man, as himself: **The Gingerbread Man was hiding in Suigetsu's pocket, and seeing his life in crumbly danger, ran down the road and fell, through a deep hole. What has become of Gingy?!

**22. Lee, as Lee Pan: **More like a reference for this segment, Lee Pan lives in Port-_e_ Youth with the Annoying Pest, Tenten. He's currently having a petition to rename the port town to Port-_e_ Youth, though isn't gaining much support.

**23. Kakashi, as Captain Kakashi Hook: **Err, he's the pirate captain? Kakashi is against all of this Youth nonsense, and is having a battle of wills (or youth) with Lee Pan.

**24. Jack Skellington, as Jack Sparrow's partner-in-Disney-crime: **Winning at the Disney Slots aginst Tsunade, and with his partner, Jack Sparrow.

**25. Shino, as the button seller: **He sold a packet of mysterious seeds to Naruto, claiming that they'll give him fangirls. Who is this strange silhouette?

**Little Red Riding Hood Characters:**

**26. Gaara, as Little Red Riding Hood: **Gaara is now searching for Grandma Chiyo's cottage in the Creaky Wood.

**27. Juugo, as Snow White: **This confused young man, now trapped in the Creaky Wood with Gaara, has extreme PMS (Parody Murble Scenes) and a love for Swiss oranges.

**28. Granny Chiyo, as Grandma: **She's insane ever since her encounter against Hojo (don't ask). Granny Chiyo nows lives in the Creaky Wood with her poor, yet artistic grandson Sasori. She recieved a Bumblebee Transformer action figure from her friend, Danzo.

**29. Danzo, as the guy-who-sent-Granny-Chiyo-a-present-for-Christmas: **Yeah, he sent a present to Granny Chiyo. End of story.

**30. Sasori, as Granny Chiyo's grandson: **Poor Sasori, trapped in the Creaky Wood with his insane grandmother. He's mad at Deidara, his only art collage buddy, for ditching him at Port-_e_ Love while Lee Pan was having a flying frenzy.

**31. Yondaime, as the amateur entrepreneur: **This young and handsome gent is partnered up with the infamous Sir Leader, leader of the ninja association, the Akatsuki. Has a slight amnesia problem, which is typical of pure bred anime. He forgot that he had a son named Naruto, who was recently swindled by Shino, the button seller. Now, Yondy must retrace his steps on his quest for pineapples!

**32. Sir Leader, as Ser Lee-dar: **The cold and cool partner of Yondy. For some reason, the two friends won't reveal their names to the public world. Co-creator of the Mysterio Bags.

**33. The 'Wolf', as the species-confused guy: **Who will it be? Kiba? Zack's ghost? Red XIII?

**Locations in the Grimly Tales Fanfic:**

**1. Unhappy Endings Kingdom: **The largest country on the 2nd continent of Ninja Fantasy World. The capital is in the city of Castletown, where the Prince's Castle is located. Is ruled by the royal family, which the Emo Prince was once part of. Now, a ruling heir is unknown, since Sai has taken over.

**2. Grimly Tales: **The small, backwater county to the south of Unhappy Endings Kingdom. It features the unruly and tough terrains of the Ogle-Boggle Swamp and the Creaky Wood. The Dango House is also found here, just up the road from the Wood. The Kingdom doesn't govern this region, so instead, has an official Mayor, who's the Shogi Master's dad, Shikaku Nara.

**3. The Dango House: **Owned by the Dango Witch, Anko. Lost tourists and confused heros sometimes visits this strange place.

**4. Ogle-Boggle Swamp: **Just a mushy swampy place, where none dare tread. Except the Emo Prince, of course.

**5. Creaky Wood: **This vast and malicious Wood is filled with OOC characters, fairies, and twisted, creaky trees. Granny Chiyo's house is found in the waaaay far back. Not a very convienient dwelling quarters, eh?

**6. Vegas So Far Far Away City (VSFFAC): **Just like the Las Vegas of the real world, VSFFAC is the biggest gambling villa in the whole world. It's located just five hours away from Castletown, and has all sorts of slots, including the famed Disney slots. It's always nighttime there, and is controlled by Shin-Ra. Don't ask. Some sort of backdoor deal between the President and Fugaku sixteen years ago. Orichimaru and Hojo have set up headquarters here as well, and since then, one-third of the hobo population has disappeared. 0ou

**7. The Emo Prince's Castle: **The governing house of the Uchiha family. Itachi left here about five years ago to travel the world. The location of Mrs. Uchiha is unknown as well. Now, after the flight of the Emo prince Sasuke, Fugaku is the only member left, hoping and praying that Sai won't mess up like his sons.

**8. Granny Chiyo's Cottage: **This run down shack holds the residents Granny Chiyo and the unfortunate Sasori within. The outside perimeter is filled to the brim with traps, meant to scare off trespassers. But will they work against Gaara and Juugo??

**9. The Drunken Mistress' Duplex: **Is no more. Once was the home of Tsunade, Hinata, Sakura and Ino. Now just a pile of rubble.


	7. Little Red Riding Hood, Part II

**Little Red Riding Hood, Part II: Always Wear A Pair Of Pants To Avoid Unnecessary Embaressment**

"Ouch!" yelped a voice.

Gaara and Juugo continued to fire laser burst after laser burst of red laser bursts into the woods. They could only shoot two at a time, and they were a bit slow to even reload.

"Geez! Reload time's more annoying than Cait Sith!" shouted Little Red Gaara.

Juugo shook his head. "Nah, more annoying than Yuffie!"

"No, more annoying than Tifa!"

"More annoying than Genesis, BEFORE he recites LOVELESS!"

"Hmm, can't argue with that!"

Yondy gave the thumbs-up to Sir Leader. Sir Leader returned the fingered gesture with an evil grin. Then Yondy grinned back, and fifty more of his fans melted into piles of the sticky gelatin dessert.

"Ah, fanservice without even trying!" sighed Yondy humbly. "I reccomanded it to that Naruto kid- umm, that Naru- Err..." The great Yondaime scratched his head in frustration. How did he know this Naruto kid? And where DID he even meet him? Was he somehow related to him?? Maybe, a fatherly-type relationship even??

While pondering this inconceivable thought (The Princess Bride, anyone? lol.), precious strands of his silky yellow hair fell onto the dirty forest floor. Just then, fangirls swooped down onto the scene, and snatched away said precious strands of said yellow hair. "Kawaaiiii! Yondaiiiiiime's sexy hair! Ooooooohhh!" they moaned, and flew out of sight after that.

"Now, THEY'RE the real wolves," muttered Sir Leader. "Crazy pychopaths."

"Umm, back to us, okay?!" shouted Gaara and Juugo to the author of this fanfic, Haruko Kurimasu. Ooops, almost forgot about you guys! Heh heh...

"Now then," said Sir Leader eagerly. "That 'Wolf' has to be smolten cinders by now! Heck, if he's still alive, then that'll surprise me more than the time in Crisis Core when Cloud got skewered by Sephiroth!"

"Hush now, Sir Leader," whispered his entrepreneur partner Yondy. "We mus'nt incite the fangirls!"

"Too true! Those fanfics still scar my mind... Anyhoo! Let's see if we can see his remains."

Gaara and Juugo gulped in unison. _These two are starting to freak me out, _they both thought. Again in unison.

Sir Leader carefully walked his way around the smoking tree stumps, where neat little piles of pineapple-scented ash were clumped together.

"Kukukukukuku..." said a voice.

"Now that..." began Juugo White.

"...Sounds familiar." ended Little Red Gaara.

"Dirge of Cerberus ROCKS!!" cried Yondy randomly. Gaara and Juugo glared at him. Yondy shrank into the shadows. "But it's true..."

"KukukukukuKU!" cackled the voice.

"Methinks it's Orochimaru." whispered Little Red nervously as Sir Leader stepped closer to the 'Wolf's' hidey-hole.

"Me too." nodded Juugo White.

"HOJO!" shouted Yondy.

Double Glare Limit Break!

"Sorry. Sniff"

...

...

...

..ku.

.ku..

ku...

...ku

An angry anime symbol appeared over Leader's head. "That's it! No more of this crazy anime tension crap! Now's the time to reveal-!!"

Sir Leader pulled on a mysterious curtain rope, which was attached to a classy velvet red curtain, which was cloaking the hiding place of the Wolf!

"OHEMGEE!" shouted Gaara, Juugo, and Yondy in a Triple Unison Amazed At Nothing GF Summon!

Sir Leader shook his head in unison. "I can't believe it's you, you crazy-!"

And whilst Vincent Valentine fans and Hojo haters screamed at the possibilty of a cliffhanger, it was revealed that no such cliffhanger was said to even occur. For to have a cliffhanger now would be to like see a remake of Final Fantasy VII grace its wonderous self on the Playstation 3. Okay, okay, I'm done stalling!

"I can't believe it's you, you crazy Kabuto!" exclaimed Sir Leader, shaking his head. Kabuto pushed his glasses up the brim of his nose, looking verey nerdy and sadistic as he did so.

"Kabuto?" said Juugo in disbelief. "You mean, like the Pokemon Kabuto?"

"Nope," replied Yondy. "Just the typical glasses-wearing scientist nerd of anime."

"Ahh!" said Juugo White and Little Red Gaara understandingly.

Meanwhile, Sir Leader and Kabuto were having a staring contest of wits, power and Final Fantasy. "So, Professor Orochimaru got you stuck in the middle of the Wood, eh?" sneered the infamous Leader-san. "Sounds like you got the boot."

"Not at all," Kabuto sneered back. "In fact, Lord Orochimaru-"

"Suck-up."

"Ahem! Lord Orochimaru-"

"coughMr. Smithers! cough"

"Will you stop that!"

"Eh, sure." snickered Sir Leader.

Kabuto sighed in his evil lab coat. "Anyhoo, Lord Orochimaru has me on a top secret mission for him and Professor Hojo. He wants me to collect angsty emo teenagers for their experiments."

"Sounds just like Hojo, that sick son of a-!" began Sir Leader, but his entrepreneur partner, Yondy, held him back. Yondy smiled, and a third of the Naruto anime fanbase, comprised of millions of screaming thirteen-year-old females ("YOOONNNNNDAIIIIIIIMMMMMEEEEEE!!"), melted into grape Jell-O.

"That sounds nice and all, considering that the two Professors are indeed evil," said Yondy happily, "But, the problem is, young Kabuto, is that in the **Agreement of Evil Anime Bad Dudes Registration Form**, **Chapter VI**, **Paragraph VII**, **Line II**, it clearly states that the evil sidekicks must be wearing pants at all times. You know, to avoid unnecessary embaressment."

"What are you talking about, Blondie?" growled Kabuto, "I'm always wearing my trusty pair of carg-"

Kabuto looked down, and noticed that he was not wearing his trusty pair of cargos at all! He was instead garmented in a pair of seventies bellbottom jeans. They were prurple with lime green polka dots, the worst combination there is with pants.

"OHEMGEE, you're right!" cried Kabuto. "I must flee! AAAIiIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!"

And with a final sprint, Kabuto fled the scene of this segment of fanfic.

"Well, that took up a good chunk of fanfic!" sighed Sir Leader. Yondy grinned, and- well, you know what happens next.

Juugo nudged Little Red Gaara. "Let's get out of here," he muttered. "_**These morons are starting to get on my nerves.**_"

"T-totally agree!" Gaara whispered back. And whilst the two amateur entrepreneurs congradulated each other on another successful business trip, the two protagonists slipped out of sight.

"That's the second time Haruko Kurimau's forgotten about us!" mouthed Juugo angrily.

Too true, guys. Too true.

TO BE CONTINUED!!


	8. Castletown, Part I

Now, let's explore what's going on with the Shogi Master and the gang... Back in Castletown!

**CASTLETOWN, PART I: IN THE ABSENSE OF OUR EMO PRINCE...**

Fugaku Uchiha noticed the change when he entered his royal bathroom in the Castle. Their was scented towels hanging on the hooks.

_Hoo boy,_ grumbled the Emo Prince's daddio. _This could only mean one thing, and one thing only!_

Itachi was home.

It was simple warning procedure thought up by Fugaku's faraway wife, Mikoto. Fugaku hasn't seen Mikoto for ten months, and didn't know her whereabouts. Last he heard of her, she was visiting her cousin in Nibelheim... But what can we do about it now?

"If Itachi's on his way, then he must be up to something," Fugaku said out loud. "Well, he'll have to deal with our substitute Prince for the time being... Unless..."

Fugaku cleared his throat, and shouted the Shogi Master's name in D Minor. "Shikamaaaaaru! Shoooogi Master! Come at once!"

Shikamaru yawned, a subscription of O Magazine in his hand.

"Yeah, what is it?"

"I have a mission for you!"

"What a drag. Right now?"

"Yes, right now! It's extremely important! Itachi's on his way home, and we must be prepared!"

Shikamaru's eyes were wide open now. "Do you mean...?"

Fugaku nodded. "That's right. We have to find her... The Legendary Emo Whisperer, Princess Temari! She's the only one that can stop that uber superemo son of mine!"

Shikamaru groaned. Not doubt he would be send on this lame-o mission.

"Can't we just hire some SeeDs?"

"What now?"

"Meh...Nevermind."

Fugaku waved his hand in the air. "Off now, Shogi Master! Princess Temari is hidden away in the Ancient Tower of Ogle-Boggle Swamp! And try to be back on time! You only have three days to complete this flamboyant quest!"

Shikamaru sighed. "I guess I'll be leaving now."

TO BE CONTINUED...?


	9. Little Red Riding Hood, Part III

**LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD, PART III: ODE TO THOSE WHO LOVE THE GOLD SAUCER!**

Juugo White and Little Red Gaara, the unlikely duo of this segment of fanfic, had finally reached Granny Chiyo's house.

At least, they were ten meters away from it, for there were various wards and traps spread evenly in a thirty meter diameter circle. Large spooky scarcrows scattered the area, glaring evilly at the timid Gaara, who became meek when spotting them.

"Umm, maybe we should turn back," he squeaked.

Juugo rolled his eyes. "Ahem! YOU were the one who was supposed to come here! All I did was tag along! _**You got that, you little punk??**_"

Gaara gulped, then sighed. "Hear you loud and clear."

Juugo eyed the picnic basket in Gaara's arms. "Umm, what type of delivery were you supposed to make, anyway?"

Gaara smiled shyly, and opened up the clasp on the basket. "Well, Captain Kakashi had a few Christmas deliveries for me! Let's see, a Limited Edition 1999 version of Bumblebee for Granny Chiyo, a copy of Crisis Core for Sasori-"

"Dude, Christmas was six months ago! It's June now."

Gaara was flabberghasted at such an idea. "You mean, I missed Christmas, New Year's-"

Juugo started counting off the lack of holidays in Gaara's schedule. "Uh huh! Chinese's New Year's, Valentine's Day, Easter, Mother's Day-"

"My mom's gonna hate me." Gaara sniffed.

"But, I thought she ALREADY hated you now!" Juugo reminded his friend.

Gaara blew his nose into his red cloak. "Yeah, she does. Now, she'll hate me EVEN MORE!"

"Geez, sorry dude!"

Gaara sniffed. "Ah, it's okay."

Juugo blanched at the cottage, nestled just beyond the death-war zone. "Now, how are we gonna get past THAT?"

Gaara shrugged. Just then, a silvery glint shimmered in the sunlight. "Ha ha ha!" said the silvery glint in a booming voice.

Gaara squeaked, and hopped into Juugo's arms. Juugo awkwardly patted him on the head. "There, there, you pathetic moron..."

The silvery glint then turned into a guy about their age, with white hair and a purple outfit on. In one hand, was a megaphone, and in the other, was the Keyblade.

"So, you guys need to get to that house?" Suigetsu the Keyblade Master asked, beaming with his new title. (No longer called Handsome, I tell you!)

Little Red Gaara and Juugo White nervously nodded.

"Well, I can't really help you with that!" replied Suigetsu, leaving Gaara and Juugo utterly flabberghasted.

"But you came all heroic-like!"

"_**Just help us, ya moron!**_"

Suigetsu grinned.

"Eh, sure! Why not?"

"WHAT?!"

Suigetsu frowned. "Don't you guys WANT help?"

"YES!"

"Okay then!"

Suigestu, in a new, dramatic lighting, pointed the silver tip of the Keyblade at Granny Chiyo's Cottage. Suddenly, a beam of light shot out of it like a bullet exiting a gun, and zoomed through the air at the speed of light! It sped past all of the traps...and unlocked the gate surrounding the house. Which, by the way, was INSIDE the wide perimeter of traps and wards.

Suigetsu grinned stupidly. "Okay! I opened the door for yas! Now, I'll be on my way-"

A huge hand clamped down on Suigestu's shoulder. Suigestu gulped, slowly turned his head. Juugo, with his face darkened by the dramatic lighting sequence, lowered his voice to such a low capacity, it made him sound like Darth Vader.

"_**That's not good enough. You have to also destroy the traps. Got it??**_"

The Keyblade Master sighed. "G-Got it."

Juugo loosened his hold, and Suigestu gingerly rubbed his aching shoulder. Then, with both hands on the Keyblade, he lunged foreward. "Somebody To Love" by Queen played as the background theme as Suigestu swung, leapt and did three hundred sixty degree spinning kicks in the air. One by one, all of the traps, switches, ropes, mislaid garden rakes and scarecrows were vanquished by this sub-plot hero. Finally, Suigestu had reached the Gate. Gaara and Juugo applauded.

"T-That was amazing!" squeaked Gaara, who by the way, was six-years-old. (Yeah, in case anyone was confused by his age. Just wanted to let you know. Heh.)

Suigetsu did a little swing with his Keyblade in the air, and grabbed it heroically. "Heh heh! Well, I guess that wraps things up! Roll the credits, 'cause that's gonna be-"

"The end, you inferior dullard."

It was all in slow motion. Suigestu turned his head, just milliseconds before the long, glaring blade portruded out of his stomach. The blade was at least six feet long, and on the other side of Suigestu was, that's right! It was-

"Sephiroth!" exclaimed Gaara and Juugo in awe. Sephiroth gave them one of his infamous evil grins, then turned his head to face Suigestu, who looked like a shish kabob, levitating two feet off of the ground. The background music changed again, and was now- you guessed it- Those Chosen By The Planet, the infamous Nibelheim theme. Mwahaha.

Suigetsu coughed. "Sephiroth! This is-"

"Unforgivable? Misleading? Against the eternal rift of fanfiction?" Sephiroth taunted.

Suigestu managed a weak grin. "No! This is- AWESOME!"

Sephiroth frowned. "How is this- awesome? You're hanging on my Masamune like minced meat!"

Suigestu waved his Keyblade in the air in triumph. "I'm like, your biggest fan, Sephy!"

"Sephy? So, you're one of those 'Final Fantasy Fanboys. A triple F threat," Sephiroth muttered. "Mother, what should I do with this inferior dullard? Roast him over the coals of Mount Nibel? Leave him to bleach in the sun at Costa del Sol? Torture him with the melodious tune of the Gold Saucer?"

Suigetsu smiled. "I love the Gold Saucer!"

"Mother, what is WRONG with this inverdebrate?" Sephiroth asked the air. Little Red Gaara gave him a strange look.

"The J-E-N-O-V-A theme rocks!"

Sephiroth closed his eyes. "No. One Thunder2 spell shall do it. Curse Square for not calling it Thundera!"

_**ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!**_

**#**

Inside of Granny Chiyo's cottage, the mad old lady and her luckless materal grandson heard a large _**ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!! **_coming from just outside of the Gate.

"What's going on out there?!" Granny Chiyo demanded of Sasori, who of course, couldn't provide the answer. "Is that little girl coming with our delivery from Captain Kakashi yet?"

Sasori, half-interested, peered out the window. "OHMYGOD! Sephiroth's attacking that guy wearing purple!"

Granny Chiyo pushed Sasori through the window. The glass smashed to pieces, and got into the young puppeteer's hair. "Ouch-" he began, but was then squashed to the ledge when his grandmother bounded over him.

"No time for complain'! I want that roasted n00b for dinner!"

Sasori groaned.

**#**

Suigestu hung limp at the end of Sephiroth mighty sword. "That's the last time you recite all of the GFs from FFVIII!" Sephiroth murmured.

Meanwhile, Little Red Gaara and Juugo gaped, watching their two-minute-old friendship with the Keyblade Master being _**ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!**_'d away.

Sephiroth, meanwhile, swiped the Masamune one hundred eighty degrees, watching Suigetsu's body fly into the poison ivy bush. Gaara gasped, tears in his eyes. Juugo cracked his knuckles in anger. Sephiroth laughed.

"Well then, if only it were this easy every time." he announced, then turned away from the Gate, and back into the Wood. Several trees had caught on fire, and half of the forest was ablaze now. Those Chosen By The Planet played up again, and reminded everyone of the pwnsome remade scene from Advent Children.

Gaara shook his head, and ran over to the poison ivy bush. "SUIGETSU!" he shouted, having no idea where he'd learned his name from previously. This, my friends, would demostrate a plothole, a common known icon found the the nija Narutoverse.

Gaara held up Suigestu's limp head. "SUIGESTU!"

Surprisingly, Suigestu managed to raise his arm. "Wait! Before I die, I want the background music to change to...The Price of Freedom. It's my...favorite song...from Crisis Core."

Juugo glared at the trees, the ones that hadn't caught on fire. "_**You heard the man. Quick! Before he croaks.**_"

The trees gulped in a treeish way, and listened to the final command of a dying hero.

Suigestu looked into Gaara's tear-stained eyes. "Don't cry, kid."

"Suigestu..."

"Hm. So...do you think I became...a true fanboy?"

Gaara screamed in agony. "NO! SUIGETSSSSSUUUUU!"

A firm hand landed on the young six-year-old's shoulder. "He's gone, Gaara." Juugo whispered sadly.

Just then, Granny Chiyo and a slightly squished Sasori came bumbling down from the house. "Did I miss anything?!" Granny Chiyo asked.

**NEXT TIME!!**

With the death of Suigestu, the whole story of Grimly Tales has shooken up! Will Shikamaru find Princess Temari, the Emo Whisperer on time? Will Naruto ever get any screentime? And what is Itachi planning to do when he returns home? TUNE IN NEXT TIME!


	10. Rapunzel

**RAPUNZEL: YONDAIME IS COOL. 'NUFF SAID.**

Shikamaru yawned. He'd been walking for hours to reach the Ancient Tower of Ogle-Boggle Swamp in order to find Temari, the Legendary Emo Whisperer. Itachi would be home in two and a half days, and Fugaku was busy preparing for his mega-emo son's return.

Itachi had vanished one night, nine years ago, on the night of Fugaku and Mikoto's fondue party. Itachi was merely thirteen at the time, and Sasuke being seven. Of course, Shikamaru only knew the basic info of that night, since he wasn't a Shogi Master back then. The old Shogi Master was none other than his old man, Shikaku Nara, who was now the Mayor of Grimly Tales. Shikamaru was the Fifth Generation Shogi Master, and Shikaku being Fourth Generation.

The Shogi Master title passed from shogi player to shogi player of the Nara family. It was an even higher honor than Road Master.

Shikamaru, the cool Shogi Master, suddenly stopped. He'd almost crashed into a crumbling, crooked tower. A sign next to it read, "Teh Aneshytt Towah uv Oogle-Boogie Swampp!"

Shikamaru rolled his eyes. It seems that the Swamp was as primitive as ever. Shikamaru and Shikaku once came here, looking for a place to practice their shogi techniques. Shikaku's wife was always banging pots and pans at their Mayor House, and screaming at the new Shogi Master for being such a failure at life. She also told her son to go find himself a bride. Great advice, Mom.

Seeing the Tower in full-view now, the Shogi Master decided to take a nap. So what if Itachi was returning home in a few days? Shikamaru deserved a break, since he'd found it so quickly. He was about to lie down (in the Swamp?!) when a gust of wind knocked him off his feet. Shiakmaru grumbled, and stared up at the Tower. At the highest point was a tiny square window, where two people were fighting. One was blonde with four spikey pigtails, and the other with medium-length orange hair.

Up in the Tower, Princess Temari, Emo Whisperer, was attacking Tayuya Rapunzel with her giant fan. Ah ha! So that's where the gust of wind had come from!

"What did you say about my hair?!" Tayuya shouted at Temari, whacking the Emo Whisperer on the head with her flute.

"I said it's ORANGE, like an ORANGE!!" Temari shot back, lifting her fan in defense. After a few seconds, they began to punch each other with great gusto.

Fifty meters down, the Shogi Master heard the fatal sounds of a catfight. _I don't wanna get involved with that,_ He thought lazily. _What a pain in the rear._

Suddenly, a head popped out a window eight meters down from the Temari-and-Tayuya window. She had fiery red hair, which was super long, like ten feet long. No, twenty feet! So why wasn't she the Rapunzel of this fairytale?

"Will you two stop it?!" the red-head woman shouted. Another gust of wind came through the top floor window, and pushed the woman all the way out. The woman yelped as she came tumbling down the tower.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!" she screamed. Shikamaru rolled his eyes. No doubt he'd have to break her fall. Just as he was waiting for her to squash him flat, a yellow flash of a very hip person pushed him to the side. Shikamaru fell into a deep gully of swamp water, and went under. When he came up again, his hair was full of mushy gunk. Also, the great entrepreneur Yondaime was there, wearing a white cape with flames printed into it. He was holding the red-headed beauty in his arms, the cape billowing out behind him cheesily.

Yondaime smiled, and two thousand of his fans melted into soggy puddles of grape jelly.

"Well, what do we have here?" Yondaime asked, grinning at the red-head. "Are you Rapunzel?"

The woman shook her head. "Nah. Orangey up there was here before me."

"What's your name?"

"Kushina."

Suddenly, Yondaime remembered something. He must know this Kushina! She reminded him of someone from long ago. But, he couldn't recollect anything from his past, for it'd be snatched from him by Anko, the Dango Witch.

Shikamru jumped out of the swampy water. "Uh, yeah." It was all he could say before he was really squashed flat by a giant fan, followed by the Legendary Emo Whisperer. Tayuya was still up in the Tower, cursing and swearing like she's never cursed and sweared before.

Yondaime pulled out his Blackberry phone, and called his trusted partner, Sir Leader. After he'd got off, he smiled once more. If he kept this up, he was going to run out of fans! But of course, the Yondaime fanbase was always respawning itself every twenty-eight seconds, so he had no worries.

"Will you accompant me?" he asked Kushina, who blushed.

Kushina shrugged. "Got nothing better to do."

Yondaime grinned his biggest and sexiest grin. "Let's get married-- in Vegas!"

"w00t!" giggled Kushina, and the two lovely-dovely almost-strangers raced down the swamp-filled roads, heading for VSFFAC as fast as their animated legs could carry them.

"Temari stared at Shikamru. "I ain't marrying you." she said matter-of-factly.

The Shogi Master groaned, and grabbed Temari's arm. he began to drag her away from the Tower. "Yeah, whatever," he mumbled. "Let's go."

"Go where?"

"To the Royal Castle, where else?"

Temari pulled away from Shikamaru. "Now wait one moment, mister! I don't go anywhere with some ugly guy anytime they come for me!"

"Gee, thanks for your honesty."

Princess Temari rolled her eyes at him. "You're hopeless. Anyway, I have to go have a shower somewhere, and it ain't gonna be here or that Royal Castle you was spoutin' about! I want a five-star hotel room, on the spot!"

The Shogi Master pulled out his wallet, and shifted through the coins inside. "Only got enough for a seven-star."

The Emo Whisperer sighed. "Fine!"

Shikamaru placed his wallet back into his convienent pocket. "Oh, and you gotta stop Itachi, The Mega-Emo, after this."

Temari raised her eyebrows in surprise. "Wait, that guy's still alive?"

"Manga and logic don't mix, especially in fanfics," said Shikamru. "You of all people should know THAT."

Temari nodded in slight agreement. "Too true. Now, to the hotel!"

**NEXT TIME!!**

Shikamaru and Temari head off to the seven-star hotel, whilst Kushina and Yondaime go to elope. Meanwhile, what's going on in Port-_e_ Love? Will Lee Pan ever win the hearts of the citizens to rename it Port-_e_ Youth, or will Captain Kakashi make him walk the plank? And what's naruto doing buying a mysterious item from Shino, The Button Seller? Find out next time!


End file.
